GOOD BOUNDARIES: The Magic Pill for Strong Relationships
by Natalie A. Gahrmann
Boundaries are imaginary lines that help you protect yourself both physically and emotionally. It is the one skill that you most need to develop in order to create the kind of life you really want. Boundaries are essential to becoming a healthy adult and balancing your work and personal life effectively. Most importantly, they demonstrate your commitment to self-respect–which is the most essential respect of all. Boundaries keep other’s actions and behaviors from hurting, distracting, annoying, or imposing on you. They are limits you set on how others can treat you or behave around you. People treat you as you allow them to; however, you can actually teach others how to treat you based on how strong or weak your boundaries are.
Establishing boundaries is a major step in taking control of your life and vital for taking responsibility for your self. They’re important for protecting you body, mind, and spirit. However, it’s often the area where most people seem to have the most difficulty. Unfortunately, many of us are not taught boundaries as children–the time when we most need to learn them.
Setting strong boundaries will help you stand up for yourself, stop agreeing to do things you really don’t want to do, and start feeling less guilty about putting your own needs first or saying “no”. It’s a part of the process of defining yourself and what is acceptable to you. When you don’t have boundaries set, other people will step over the lines without even realizing where they are.
Boundary setting is not about getting other people to change (even though at first, it may seem that way). It’s really about deciding what you will and will not tolerate and then communicating this firmly and consistently when needed.
The first step in establishing boundaries is self-awareness; you’ll need to identify where you need more space, self-respect, energy, and/or personal power. Begin this process by recognizing when you feel angry, frustrated, violated, or resentful. In these cases, you’ve often had a boundary “crossed”. By becoming aware of situations that require you to have stronger limits, you can begin creating and communicating your new boundaries to others.
Creating boundaries in your place of business and home will help you honor yourself more. It’s perfectly okay to request or demand respect from others. Someone’s tone of voice, negativity, criticism, derogatory language, or other form of disrespect, may prompt you to create a boundary in order to protect yourself and your goals from disruptive influences.
Boundaries are an important way for you to respect the needs of others, as well as your own. Give yourself permission to begin honoring yourself and others in new ways. Ironically, when you become aware of your own boundaries (and begin to respect them) you’ll naturally begin to regard and respect the boundaries of others, as well. This alone can help make you a more attractive person to be around.
It’s important to note that in establishing boundaries: Believe that your needs are valid. It is not necessary for you to defend, debate or over-explain your request.
- Begin setting boundaries with the easiest ones and build yourself up to the more challenging ones for you. Let your communication and behavior get stronger before you tackle the harder boundaries.
- Tell people immediately when they are doing something that violates one of your boundaries.
- Simply tell them what they are doing that makes you feel angry, frustrated, violated, resentful, or uncomfortable. Communicate gracefully and honestly.
- Make a direct request that they stop the behaviors that offend or bother you. Be very specific about what you want.
- Follow-up to let them know how they are doing at honoring your request.
- Thank them for making the change. And, if they refuse to cooperate:
1) Warn them of a possible consequence if they continue disregarding your request;
2) Demand that they stop; or
3) Just walk away (without getting angry or fighting)
Boundary-setting is like any new skill—you’ll need to learn the basics, create a plan for applying your new skill, and then follow through with action and a support system. Over time and with practice, setting boundaries will become easier. Reach out to a counselor or a life coach if you are finding it difficult.
Remember that setting boundaries is about respect. You have control over how you respond by delivering your request gracefully to another person. You cannot control their response or their behavior to your request. People who continuously refuse to respect and honor your boundaries are clearly not willing to change. The change you want to see may need to come from you. Be sure that you have provided direct requests and communicated your boundaries consistently. If you have, and they still refuse to stay out of your lane, it’s up to you to decide how to proceed. In these cases, you may need to simply end the relationship.
Remember, people with no boundaries aren’t going to like the new you and TRY to make you feel badly about what you are doing. This is, of course, only possible if you give them permission.
Boundaries are easier if you keep this in mind:
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Suggested Resources
1. Boundaries: When To Say Yes, When To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (Zondervan Publishing House, 2002)
2. Parents In Charge: Setting Healthy, Loving Boundaries For You And Your Child by Dane Chidekel (Simon & Schuster, 2002)
3. Partnership Tools: Transforming The Way We Live Together by Alan Konell (Hippo Press, 2001).
4. Where To Draw The Line: How To Set Up Healthy Boundaries Everyday by Anne Katherine (Simon & Schuster, 2000)